You have explained about green shoots and redwood bandwagons. What is the "clear blue water" which people also talk about?That is the part of the sea where the Tory Party would like everyone to dump their disused oil rigs, such as Brent Spar.I see And one other thing. A friend said it was an old saying in this country that "he who pays the piper calls the tune" What does this mean in English?That depends Was your friend English?No. He was off to fresh woods and pastures new.Ah - fresh woods! Is this the same as red woods?What red woods?I read in my newspaper about the "redwood bandwagon". Is this another vehicular image? I know about bikes and trolleys, but a redwood bandwagon is a vehicle which I do not recognise.Well, I suppose you might say that a redwood bandwagon is a vehicle on which the backwoods MPs can hitch a ride.Backwoods?Perhaps we can adjourn this to some other time.First, there is something else I do not understand. His mind was going.And did Mr Lamont see little green shoots?No. He thought he did, but he didn't.And was his mind going?Possibly.And did Mr Lamont say, "Put up with me or lock me away", like Mr Major said? Was he off his trolley, like Mr Tebbit?Mr Tebbit was not off his trolley He was on his bike It is a vehicular image.

Before he died, he thought he saw the green fields of England.And did he?No He was hallucinating. But he does not know how many are behind him.So he wants the people behind him to stand up and be counted?Yes.So he will have to turn round and have a look to see how many there are?I expect so.And to see if anyone is sticking him in the back?Yes.Like the man with the foreign name?Mr Portillo?No Monsieur Lamont The one who kept talking about little green shoots.Ah, yes Before he died, he babbled about green shoots.Pardon?Sorry Reference to Sir John Falstaff Shakespeare character. Sticking someone up means something else.I see.Basically, Mr Major is telling the Tory Party to stand up and be counted.Why? Does he not know how many there are in the party?Oh, yes. When you say you can stick someone, it is because you like him.English is a most confusing language.Only if you are not English.So, Mr Major is saying to people that they must put up with him.Yes.Or, if they don't, to shut him up.Yes.What does to "shut him up" mean?It means to lock him away in an asylum or prison.So Mr Major is saying, if you don't like me, you can put me away.Yes.Or, if you can't stick me, you can stick me up.No. When you stick someone like that, it is because you hate him. When you put up with someone, it means that you can stick him.Stick him in the back? With a knife?No - that is another meaning of stick.

What do you find puzzling about it?Well, it was when Mr Major said to his opponents that they should "put up or shut up". I am not sure exactly what he was intending to say by this.Well, I am not surprised, because these are colloquial expressions which you won't find in the posh classroom.So what do they mean?"Put up" means "to tolerate". Excuse me, I am a student of English as a second language here in Britain, and I was wondering if you could explain this election to me. Which election? The one in which John Major wants to be leader of the Tory Party (which he already is), so he is resigning the post he already has in order to stand for election to the post he already has.Oh, yes, that one. It is perhaps one that John Major's enemies need to pause over before returning to the breathless task of totting up votes and abstentions..

For the truth is that the Tories are now embarked on a slithering, stomach-churning journey without brakes or steering mechanism, destination unknown A smash is as likely as a triumph. They may find themselves first disintegrating as a party of government and then being finished off at the polls - perhaps even undergoing that long-predicted split.Given that Britain is experiencing low-inflationary growth, has lower unemployment than many European competitors and faces no imminent disasters at home or abroad, this is a remarkable prospect, even for the modern Tory party. This is not likely; but these are strange times.If either Redwood or Portillo emerged as the new prime minister and tried to implement the sort of European policy they talk about, is it possible to imagine Sir Edward Heath, or Tristan Garel-Jones, or Hugh Dykes, or even Kenneth Clarke, to name just a few, trooping through the division lobbies on their behalf? Not really.After the past few days, would they be able to ask for party loyalty with a straight face? And whether they did or not, would they be listened to?These are the doom-laden questions which lie behind the sense of elation and smiling political attack of Redwood's press conference They are John Major's best weapon against him. Is it possible, in all the turmoil, that Major might come jogging through the middle, just as in 1990? Entirely possible.It is also possible, however, that the Government now simply blows apart - that it can't sustain a parliamentary majority and is forced to concede a general election this year. But if there is a second ballot, there may be up to half a dozen candidates; and then a third ballot. For all sorts of reasons, many MPs may abstain in the Major-Redwood contest, which makes it harder for the Prime Minister to win outright next week. Merry mayhem.At least it gives some indication why anyone who claims to know now how this game will go is either a windbag or an airhead.

Screaming Heselteenies may therefore not abstain, as one might expect, but vote for Redwood. This would produce the glorious paradox of right-wing Portillo Thatcherites refusing to vote for the right-wing Redwood; while leftish anti-Thatcher Tories do vote for him. Then he won't stand down for Portillo, and the right is divided. But Heseltine's position is stronger if Redwood does quite well. This outcome will be tricky to achieve; if too many Portillo-ites abstain, they may simply hand a straightforward first-round victory to Major.Meanwhile, I wouldn't be surprised if pleas were going out from the Portillo camp to the likes of Lady Thatcher and Lord Tebbit to refuse John Redwood their unequivocal support.What, meanwhile of Michael Heseltine, still the likeliest winner if Major falls? For obvious reasons his supporters, too, want a second ballot. If he achieves anything like the political momentum built up by that first-round outsider Margaret Thatcher in 1975, why should he bow, smile sweetly and say: "Over to you, Michael''?It is therefore in Portillo's interests to have lots of abstentions and spoilt ballot papers, denying Major outright victory but ensuring that Redwood doesn't do too well, allowing him to march in on second ballot, perhaps with bigger-gun ministerial support. He considers Portillo over-hyped, and cannot have much enjoyed the recent highly favourable BBC Panorama profile of his rival.